Crimson Tears
by blackskittles
Summary: The usual Hawkeye can't take the war anymore with a twist. What will come in the second chapter has never happened before from what I can tell.


Blah Blah Blah. I unfortunately don't own MASH. More Blahs…

Okay, this is my first story and this is just a little bit of what is to come.

Oh yeah, I'm not really much of a writer, so I appreciate both bad a good reviews, so review away.

Hawkeye didn't seem like himself lately. He wasn't even coming on to the nurses anymore. He hadn't even heard Hawk joke or even laugh in about a week… something had to be seriously wrong.

Then again, maybe he was just over-analyzing it. The war got to everyone eventually, and they just needed their time.

He was almost happy when a Nurse Kelley came to remind him that his shift was coming up in Post-Op. He could get his mind off of everything else for a while.

Within half an hour he had checked on the whole four patients that were there and had done all of the paperwork for the day. When he looked at the clock a little bit later, he realized that it was lunch time. He asked the nurse if he could go get some lunch, and with that he was off to the Mess Tent.

He picked up his tray and grabbed some of the slop that the army called food. Finding a table was like being in High school all over again. He looked around the mess tent for someone he knew or an empty table.

After some time he finally found Hawk at a table by himself and sat down with him. Hawk seemed to be uninterested in anything else. He was probably just tired. They sat in silence for a while until he decided to start some kind of conversation, "Hey, Hawk."

Hawk went a while without replying to finally say "hello."

BJ couldn't decide if he was upset, angry, or just tired. He wasn't eating though, and hadn't eaten much in the past few days. "Not hungry?"

"Like I would eat this nasty. I would rater not, thank you." He replied puching the tray away.

The food was nasty, but Hawk usually ate anyway.

Colonel Potter sat down just as BJ was finishing his food. Hawk had only just picked at his. "Not hungry son?"

"Why can't everyone just leave me alone." Hawk said standing up. "Now if you two don't mind, I am going back to the Swamp. I need some time to myself." With that he stormed off.

"What's up with him?" Colonel Potter asked as soon as Hawkeye left.

"I don't know, maybe he just needs some time to himself." BJ suggested.

"I guess, if things don't get any better, we will call Sidney." Potter added.

"I can't stand any of them anymore. I can't stand any of this. All of the dying, all of the pain. There is just too much pain here. I can't take it. The pain has to end." Hawk said in a barely audible voice. "Fuck it all" he screamed as he threw a martini glass at the tent wall.

Once the martini glass had shattered he started to cry. He didn't cry much, and very few people at the 4077 had heard him cry before. This was indeed an oddity.

After hearing all of the noise, BJ and Potter thought it would be best to go check on Hawk. They were surprised to find him lying on his cot crying.

He immediately stopped when he noticed them watching him. He didn't want them to see him like this.

"Son, are you sure that you are okay?" Potter asked carefully.

'What the Hell kind of answer do you want? I can't really say no, can I?' He thought. Instead he answered, "Yes, I'm okay. I think I just need a drink and a break."

BJ doubted that he was okay, but kept that to himself for now. "Want to go to the officers club and pick up some drinks."

"I'll buy." Colonel Potter added.

"Uh, I think I will stay here and have a martini."

"Fine then, I'll stay with you." BJ said

"After a drink or two, you boys get some rest. It is almost midnight, and God knows that you need it." Colonel Potter said as he left.

Charles had left for R&R in Tokyo the night before so it was just the two of them left there.

They drank a few drinks. BJ tried to keep a conversation going, but it was useless. He didn't want to talk about anything. Something had to be bothering him.

"I'm going to bed Hawk, you had better do the same. It is almost 1. Goodnight."

"Night Beej" Hawk said quietly.

He watched BJ kiss a picture of Peg and Erin goodnight and quickly fall asleep. What was he going to do now? Sleep was out of the question. He didn't feel like leaving his bed though. There was a pocket knife on a table near him. He slowly and quietly got up so as to not wake up BJ. He grabbed the knife, put it in his pocket, and got back into bed.

BJ woke up at about 4 needing to go to the latrine. It was probably from the martinis that they had earlier that morning. He found Hawk still awake.

"Have you slept at all." He asked, knowing the answer.

"Um…Uh… I wasn't tired." Hawk replied, his tiredness was evident in his voice though.

"You look tired. You should really try to get some sleep. Hawk, are you okay? "

It didn't matter what if he wanted to tell him anything or not, because there was no way that he could tell BJ anything. He would never understand what it was like to feel like this.

"Sure." Hawk said almost in a monotone.

"Okay. Well, um… if you need to talk about anything, I'm always here for you." BJ replied, from the look on his face though he didn't believe Hawkeye.

He would have to smile, have to put on a good act. The last thing Hawkeye wanted was for Sidney to come. He didn't want anyone to figure this out.

Most of all, he didn't want anyone to mess up his plans.

BJ quickly went to the latrine and came back.

"You going to get any sleep?"

"What do you think Beej?"

"Fine, but I don't like you when you act this way."

"I don't like myself too much right now either."

"What do you mean by that?"

"What do you think I mean by that?'

"Stop answering with a question."

"Fuck off Beej"

With that BJ went back to bed, repeating the same process of kissing Peg and Erin goodnight and then quickly going to sleep. Why didn't he have anyone that he cared about or that cared about him. The only person that he had was his dad.

He had never really been the jealous type, so why was he jealous of BJ. That would be one to think about…

"Attention all personal. Incoming wounded. All surgical personel are needed in the compound." The loud speaker blared.

"Damnit" BJ cursed. "It is only 5 in the freaking morning. Come on Hawk up get up."

He had pretended to be asleep, so that BJ wouldn't bother him about not sleeping.

"Did you actually get any sleep Hawk?" BJ asked, really not know the answer, yet.

He nodded. He was tired, but sleep was out of the question.

They headed off to the OR in silence. This was unusual for Hawkeye. He always talked or joked about something. BJ would have to talk to Potter after OR.


End file.
